A PAGE FROM MY DIARY

              

                                        "Why does it take a minute to say Hello

                                             and yet, forever to say Goodbye?"

Dear diary,

I haven't written in long and its been almost a year since I stopped.  I don't want to go there because I wasn't at a good place back then. But I am writing today because today I am feeling how I felt back then. Maybe not that harshly but those feelings which drag you down are here today. And since I can't talk to anyone about it , I need to let it out. Maybe that might make it easier to free myself of.

Today wasn't a good day for me. More like it wasn't even an average day. Aren't there days when it all just seems wrong and weird?

 I had one of those today.

It started back at school today. Something happened that altered my mood.  It wasn't an earthquake kind of a thing ( I am grateful for that, truly) but enough to create ripples and make feelings emerged that I had managed to bury inside. I happened to sit in the midst of my old friends today.

Like it's actually a group of people and I used to be part of them and everything.  But today it felt a lifetime ago. It was purely a coincidence but it brought feelings and thoughts to surface,  again. Feelings I would rather not feel.

I won't go into the reasons of why I left ( maybe that's where our paths together ended). But when I left I felt inadequate. I felt not good enough and sad. I felt lonely.  Very lonely ( but I had started feeling lonely even then I was with them). But still I wasn't alone.

The initial days were tough and many noticed I left and wondered what could have made me leave. I felt like I was a misfit and I wasn't the only one who belonged and my confidence took a blow back then. I felt there was something wrong with me because I had tried my best to fit in again when these thoughts started occurring but I just couldn't. I felt I was the one somehow at fault.

Logically I have known for a long time that it was coming and it taught me a lot. They are not bad people but they aren't my people. My place isn't with them. But irrationally it's all a mess.

The horror of being alone in a place where you don't know anyone apart from greetings because you are new to the university ( I was). The pain of trying to fit in where only groups existed and you were alone if you didn't belong to one. All of that was mentally very exhausting.

I am not at the same place today. I have come a long way. I have made new friends and met people I am myself with. I have learnt it's not important to have loads of friends just some good ones who believe in you, uplift you, trust you and you can trust them. I have learnt its not always our fault and not everyone is meant to be forever and I deserve more.

I deserve people who I don't feel out of place with or I people with whom I don't need to wonder again and again that they are judging me and just enjoying my distress.

But today I feel all of that. All of the inadequacy I felt. And I am trying to get over with it but it's stuck. I will never forget,  but I hope I find that place where I am ready to face it without feeling all of this. And, just treat it like a learning curve experience. After all, nothing is meant forever.

Change is the only thing constant. It's just difficult to take in at times and we resist. I did too, because I was afraid of the unknown. Of leaving when I knew in the heart I no longer could stay.I had already overstayed trying to make things work out. Because somewhere inside, I was afraid to take the leap and be actually alone even I felt alone. Technical semantics you see. Strange at times.

Today was just a reminder that I am not yet there and I still have a long way to go. But I am grateful after writing this that I have come this far. I felt in those days it would always be like that and I will always be alone and unworthy.

But I know I am worth it. And I was wrong back then. And in this case I am glad, that I was wrong. 

I hope I find the feeling of peace, at ease someday. Soon.

There is always HOPE, no matter how small or bleak it yet seems.

Yours dearest,

Toobs.

P.s It felt good to write again even if it wasn't something nice. Maybe I am on my way to healing. After all, I managed to write again today. When I haven't in a long, long time.

I hope I can write in my diary again that's sitting untouched in my cupboard, someday.I miss it.But. When I have the strength to look back into its pages and read and not lose myself to the feelings of the past that they locked away.When I am ready to read and only to read because it's all a part of me at the end of the day. Happy and sad, both.

To that day <3

LETTING GO OF OLD FRIENDS

As we grow older and find ourselves more entangled in the complexities, of what we term the "real life" there is something we all go through. We lose friends.

I am one of those people who always has been very attached to my friends and I never understood why people leave and why some friends who were the closest, are the ones we no longer even say Hi to. Isn't that strange?
But slowly I have learnt that it's natural.

There is a long time I always wondered if a friend stopped talking or left that there must be something wrong with me. I must have done something wrong.  I might not have done enough. Maybe I wasn't good enough.

All of these thoughts plagued me to death. I blamed myself for the failure of friendships gone wrong.

But I have just started to realize that I was wrong. I no longer hold myself guilty. Its not always our fault. Or even that's friends fault that you are no longer talking to. Its just that as we grow up, we grow apart.

The most important thing to remember that might make letting go easier is " It never means that the love and camaraderie shared  wasn't real. It just means that with change in time and circumstances, the feelings change."

So keep the good memories and let go of the rest. Cherish them. Because those times were indeed, beautiful.  But release yourself from the guilt you have felt of losing them.

It was meant to be that way. Their chapter ended in your life but life didn't. It's not your fault. It's tough but we all deserve the peace.

I miss my friends every now and them. Some more, some less. But I understand now that they are no longer going to be a part of my life. People who are meant to be in our life gravitate back in our life, no matter how far they go and no matter how much time it takes.  You have to have faith.

And some people go away from life.

 But, they always remain in our heart.

Keep them there and in your prayers <3