SHE LOVED

"Till I loved, I never lived" Emily Dickinson

Love has a life on it's own. A fire that is enough to ignite everything that comes or avoids its path. Invisible but everywhere. Unleashing itself at the most unexpected.

She loved. Love wasn't about possession to her. It wasn't about telling them how she felt. It wasn't about how she never wanted to let him go. It was a paradox.  To her. She couldn't put her love in words. She couldn't find the words, leave alone the right ones.

She didn't need to. Because she knew that everyone around her experienced it in one form or the other. Earlier or later. As long as a heart continue to beat and the soul breathed, somewhere, somehow it always stumbled across what we creatures call love.

To her love was the sparkle she had seen in his eyes that day and that image had been imprinted in her heart. Always and forever fresh. She didn't even need to close her eyes to see him. Because he was always there, a part of her.

Love was glimpsing the rare smile that crinkled his face which made her face light up with joy and his with the beautiful glow. In turn setting her whole world alight. Like a meteor lights up the dark night skies.

She loved. Him. His voice. Rich. Dark. Mysterious. Making her look forward to unraveling those knots with love. The color of his hair turning golden in the natural sunlight. And yet the moon made it dazzle even more.

She was filled with love brimming throughout . She was completely gone. Losing herself in the love she never could voice. She didn't even understand herself the spell that had overtaken her. She just knew she was burning in the love. With the feelings she had. She was ablaze with everything burning.  Inside and outside.

The time came when there was no longer a distinction between her and her love.

Somewhere along the line she had transformed itself into the thing she could never put words to. She became.  What we recognize as love.

The ultimate feeling. Which everyone claims to feel and yet no one will ever match on what it is in reality. Because not one can feel the same love the other does. And never will.

It will always be confusing just like right now. It will always puzzle the one who tries to understand it. But it also makes sense of everything. There is in this world and beyond. Confusing isn't it?

After all somethings are better understood and felt than said. Some things are just loved. Without reason.  Beyond reason.  Just because there is no answer to why.

She became love in the certainty that life is full of uncertainties. Something, someday, somehow may bring him back to her. Her love. 

x

WE JUST.....ARE

"Others often ask us to define ourselves, to tell them who we are

Who are we?

We eat, we sleep, we dream, we love, we pine, we hate, we hope

We lust, we smile, we work, we rest, we calculate, we give, we take

In all the midst of the turmoil of being ordinary, like the rest of the world, we just….are

Sometimes we see ourselves reflected in the pages of a novel we are lost in, 

In a movie where it feels like your story only if with a different ending

In the innocent actions of the children playing along the street

In the whispers that pass by

In the shadows that surround us

We hear our names pronounced on the lips of our loved ones

We find ourselves voicing out names of people we feel like belonging to

Trying to find something, someone to purely call our own

We are hidden in the shadows of the night,

 In the color of rainbows that are seldom seen

In the flowers that are so fragile yet still bloom.

We are neither wrong nor right

Neither pure or impure

Black or white

We are not other people second-hand experiences

We are the essence of the combination of our personal journey with our different experiences

Most of the time, like the rest of the world we just…are

Without ever fully knowing who we….are

We just…are"

HOLDING ON TO THE COMPLETE YOU

Its been too long since I wrote here. I am not sure to why that was, like there is still plenty I have to say and I would like to share but somehow something or the other didn't feel right and I couldn't write a new post. Anyways before I ramble on. Happy new year to you! 

May this year help you bring closer to whatever you have been dreaming on. Don't stop believing. Because I believe MIRACLES happen every day. every single day. 

Maybe subconsciously I myself was looking for something without even realizing that I was. Well. Even now I hadn't thought of writing until 4 minutes ago to be exact, because of something I came across my facebook homepage. 

Funny isn't it? I am one of those people who think rather then lightening your mood on and off facebook' for me' at least gives me something or the other to question myself and seek validation of how I am doing with things, with life. It's rare that you find something that makes everything ahead of you seem brighter. Well this is it. One of those rare times.

There's this post I came across on Humans of New York page. The story itself was good but that wasn't what caught my eye. What caught my eye was a simple comment amongst hundreds of others of a girl who wrote about her father, actually her stepfather. I am sharing the post and then I will tell you why it gave me a ray of hope :)

As the guy above said that Music was his passion and he gave it up when medicine happened to him. Something similar is what happened to me. At least that's how it felt. But now it just changed this very moment. When I decided to pursue medicine, I felt I had to give up a lot too. This doesn't mean that I am dissatisfied or that I regret my decision. Medicine is one of the best parts of my life. This is just stating that I want more. I loved painting and I always dreamed of having this beautiful house one day, that will have this perfect art studio with a library and a beautiful room where, I will sit and look out to the ocean tides and the azure skies and be inspired to write sitting on this mahogany study table( The antique kind ;) 

But I felt it was all taken away when I started studying for medicine. Because it is so demanding and rarely leaves time to relax and is so draining that you think twice before committing to anything else. And I thought maybe This is the end of that dream to write, to paint, to explore the world like I always wanted to. I slowly felt i was withering away. Like there was so much in me to discover, out there to wonder at and I was stuck amongst those books, almost all my time.

The thought as I progressed and would become an accomplished doctor in the future I would lose more of what I had to offer since it's a very demanding profession started strangling me and making me kinda discontent, depressed and sad. I started thinking i would forever be limited to this side. What would happen to the creative other ME I am or at least who I used to be? Will it all just tarnish and turn to dust? 
I didn't have a definite answer until now. But I found it. In the comment on this post.

The daughter stated her father decided to return to Julliard. Its a very well known music school in the states and highly coveted. Musicians dream of making it to there one day. Well the interesting part. He did this after serving 35 years of his life to medicine as a neurologist. Because medicine was his life and music his soul. he decided to have both. then why not me? Why not you? We can hall it ALL. then why settle for less? I was in shock. Wow!

Incredible isn't he? I will never know who he was or what lead him to that. i just know this stranger gave me a gift. the gift to believe to hold on my dreams, to believe that I have my whole life ahead of me. who said doctors are boring? They can be Rockstars, Superstars, whoever they want to be. They just need to be patient and believe that the other side of them will find a way out,too. Just like mine is doing. Slowly, gradually. But it will. That's a promise. 

So I am not giving up on the girl who adores writing and who used to sit and paint whenever she was extremely happy or extremely sad. Neither on the dream of visiting the world, Going to Paris and Turkey and falling in love there. You never know what awaits you. But I am choosing to hold on. So if there is something that made you feel its too late. trust me. It's not. its never too late to live the dream you once dreamed of. Miracles happen everyday! 

Always remember that. Life is once, but if lived to your hearts desire, Once is enough. your day will come. Believe that. Don't let go of your passions. They are a part of who you are and always will be.

 Meanwhile I will go and study since I need to be a doctor too ;)
My patients are counting on it. And I am counting on myself :)

WHAT IS THE GREATEST ASSET WE HAVE?

My question for you today is ( like always :P I know )

 What do you think is your greatest asset to you? Your looks? Your grades? Your wealth? Your connections? Your accessories? What is it? Something material?

Something which is immaterial which no one can ever take from you. Ever. 

Something that is so priceless that you can't even begin to imagine. Do you the answer yet? If not, read this to find out what a teacher had to say about it.

Sometimes strange things happen which are unexpected , but leave a lasting impact on your life forever. This is one of my those treasured moments where I discovered there is always more to us then we believe. This is something I will never forget. Whenever I fall down or lose way I am going to look this up and read it and realize that I have all that it takes. So do you. Each one of you.

From the time I recall; getting into med school was my one of my greatest dreams and I always thought that getting in was the toughest part. Once I get in, it would be all a bed of roses. Like not that studying would be easy but there would be nothing stopping me from my goal, right?

Turns out I was mistaken. Getting in easy now actually seemed the easiest part. The joke's on me. I never thought after getting in something which might seem very trivial to the majority, might become so big a hurdle for me to get across that I actually in the first time felt like questioning my dream in the first place and wondering if I could even do it? Whatever made me think I could? Ever?

So. Well. I faced the all the usual issues of fitting into a new place, not knowing anyone at all and having to make new friends and trying to fit in and being afraid  somewhere I never might.  Feeling lonely and not knowing what was actually going on. It was like I was from this different planet where there was a different mind frequency than the one I was attuned to. 

At times I felt I was just pretending to be a part of it all and in reality I would never be.  But this never deterred me from what I was there for because I was already expecting all of this. Everyone I know was going or had gone through this. I was coping with all of this when Anatomy happened.  This was my realization sometimes even the merest of hurdles are enough to trip you. 

Yes. I am not kidding.  To others it was merely a subject like the rest of the other 6 disciples you need to study in first year of med school. But to me it was like a death sentence. My very own personalized version of it. Studying anatomy or more accurately, I should say trying to study anatomy became the toughest challenge of my life. 

Something I just couldn't accomplish no matter how much I tried or time I invested in it. I was so disappointed with myself not to mention, extremely hard on myself since everyone around me was doing so well with it. Like nobody I saw struggled the way I was. To me, they were all super geniuses around who used to memorize everything within minutes no matter how long and hard a topic seemed. Be it anything. 

And then there was me.  Who would sit for hours and hours trying to absorb a simple topic and when I thought after ages, finally I got it. And when I woke up the next day it used to be with absolute zero recall memory of whatever I had supposedly learnt only the night before.  This started having a serious diminishing effect on my grades, GPA and more importantly, my self esteem and confidence. 

Since I saw and felt no one else going through the same. I was the only one barely holding on.

I felt so dumb. I felt stupid and even wondered if I had gotten in med school in the first place by mistake. I was almost convinced I was never going to make through my first year let alone the rest since you need to clear all seven disciples. And the rate which I was going at I was never going to pass Anatomy and flunk spectacularly. If that day hadn’t unfolded that way.

We had this grand anatomy exam which formed a major part of our grade for our GPA and I was very nervous. Even “very” being an understatement. 

As I sat waiting in turn for my viva I was literally shivering with fear, my hands going cold and numb due to the mounting tension and my mind turning blank. I even debated with myself of what could happen if I actually missed my exam because I didn't think I would be able to go through with it. That was an other first for me. I had always done well at school and I had never earlier even dreamed of such a day. A day where I actually thought about missing an exam. Ever.

While I was still convincing myself that it was just an exam and not the end of life, my name was called. With clumsy limbs, refusing to move I went into the examination room where a senior professor was waiting to conduct my viva.

I went inside and sat down without even glancing up and looking at my professor because I was that afraid.  He asked me to relax since he noticed I looked really nervous and said “you look like you are being taken to be hanged”. I realized what a pathetic sight I must have presented.

It began. He asked me the very first question and I answered that. So the second and the third. But. The next question shook me to my toes since it threw me off balance. I couldn't remember it’s answer and there, I panicked. I almost forgot everything I had learnt. I almost climbed off the stool I was sitting on and rushed outside to hide my face since I was so ashamed and embarrassed. 

As my professor realized I couldn't recall the answer he asked me to skip it. He asked a next question and I couldn't recall that either. On not answering my second question the teacher raised his eyebrows and looked at me. I was done for.

 I expected to be shouted upon and be scolded very strictly since my teacher would had every right to do so; as it was questionable that what had I been doing all those months in Anatomy lectures, if I couldn't even answer basic questions.

But I was surprised by what came next. Instead of being scolded my professor just closed the grading book and rested his hands on the table.

"Having trouble studying it?" He questioned.

I was taken aback by his reaction. Instead of scolding me as expected he was actually asking me?

 For a second I thought about lying and pretending I was just unprepared, because I didn't want my teacher to know what a miserable failure I was. But I ended up answering.

"Yes. I can't do it. I am just not able to.  I think I will never become a doctor now because I never will be able to study and clear this exam".

He smiled and said" I am sure it’s not like that".

I muttered" But it is exactly like that. I just can’t do it. Everyone else I know is so amazing at it and accomplish so much of it in so less time but there’s me. I am helpless. I am totally a failure".

He replied" given up so easily? You are only a failure when you give up and believe you are one".

I said “but I don't have a choice.  I just couldn’t. I did try. But I failed.

I was told “You always have a choice. You can do it. But only if you want to”.

“ How? Its seems impossible to me the way I see it” I responded.

To which he replied “Change the way you see it then. You know what’s the greatest asset you could possibly have?

I was baffled. I didn’t even understand where this was going. What was he talking about ? It wasn’t making sense to me. At all.

I answered honestly “I am not sure”.

He said" Your willpower. That’s the greatest asset you have. Anyone could possibly have. You can do anything if you will it so."
I was confused. Because I had tried.

“I did try. It didn't work”.
He said “Well. In that case try again. But this time.  Believe you will outdo it. You will then”.

I told him “but I m not intelligent enough like the rest. It takes so much time for me to do it unlike my classmates”.

He said “Well. You are intelligent. Don't compare yourself with anyone else. You are sitting here is proof enough.  Just because you can't do it in little time doesn't diminish your ability. Everyone’s different.  There must be things you can do and others can't and they think they aren't intelligent. If everyone starts comparing themselves, no one will ever succeed that way. Trust me. I have experience more than your age”.

I was still not convinced.

  “But how?” I asked.

He just said” you just need to find what works for you.  Maybe the conventional way of learning this subject doesn't work for you. But that doesn’t mean that no way would. There are so many other resources and techniques to study from. For example. Audio visuals, models, museums, presentations etc from the book. Trial and error. See what works for you. 

To what I said “But I did try. Nothing worked.”

He said “It will when you decide it will for you no matter what.

He said “Let me give you an example. This is the best explanation I can give you. Once there was a girl and her mother woke her up and asked her for a glass of water in the middle of the night. She got so irritated because her sleep was disturbed. She grumbled because she didn't want to get up. She felt lazy. And she felt no inclination to do it.

But the same girl, when she herself became a mother and her child asked her for water in the middle of the night.  She got up and got it without any second thought, even though her sleep was disturbed again that day.  And she continued getting up like that. No matter how many times. No matter how tired and sleepy she herself was. Wasn't she still the same person? But her motivation both times was different.  And. So was her will power. When your driving force is strong enough you can do anything you set your mind to. Believe you can. So the question for you is: Is this subject being difficult more important to you or your goal to be a doctor?

I was speechless. I never saw it that way. I realized then’ there was nothing actually holding me back except my own thoughts. I had caged myself in a mental block where on the first struggle, I had decided that “I wasn't good enough” like the others to do it. I had to do it myself.

I wanted to be a doctor. I wouldn't let Anatomy take away my life worth dream. So what if it was tough? I am tougher.

And so from that day on wards, I have never looked back. I freed myself from the unrealistic expectations and negative thoughts I had.

Yes. This doesn't mean that it’s a piece of cake for me. I still struggle.  It still takes me more time than others. I still have to work extra hard at it. Put more hours than usual. But the only difference is now I believe I can do it. And that’s why I am able to do it. Now.

Thus, hopefully after, I am now going to be continuing with my med school after all. So never give up. You already have what it takes to get there. You just need to realize it like my professor made me realize. And thus, it was my lesson of inspiration from there to here.

IT"S OKAY TO SAY NO

Only yesterday, I was going through my Facebook inbox. I came across a message from my friend which struck a cord with me. She’s abroad now, for undergraduate studies.We keep in touch, since we are good friends ;) but with different time zones, :P we have gotten used to inboxing each other and knowing whenever the other gets a bit of time she would reply to that J and that is how we interact since Skype sessions just keep on getting delayed and delayed. Well. About what she said.

She said she really needed to learn to say “No”. Now I know , you might be thinking that was what struck a cord? Seriously? Like what’s so difficult with that?

 Just a mere, simple word. You just have to say no, after all. A single syllable 2 lettered word. How hard could it be? But. This mere word or rather not being able to say this word complicates so much and makes life way more difficult than it actually needs to be. But I have been there and still find myself , there at times. So I totally understand. 

It sucks, big time  :P

 It has taken me a long time to understand what I told her. I believe, it’s totally alright to say no if it’s something that does not go with your core values, morals or ethics or anything that you don’t feel comfortable doing. You don’t always have to say yes even if others expect it from you. If you don’t want to do it, don’t. You are not obliged to anyone. No matter what even if you feel otherwise. I am not saying that you shouldn't be there for others or we shouldn't lend a helping hand when needed but that doesn't mean either that you need to do everything for others.

Not setting boundaries gives you little respect among friends and acquaintances, so they keep asking you for help because they know you're likely to accept. 

While being there for others we tend to leave ourselves behind because we start putting all of them before us. We ignore what we might actually need and starve ourselves. That has happened to me so many times that I have lost count. But what I never used to realize was that by not being able to say no to people I said No to myself. Over and over again.

A simple example.

If you can’t go to the cinema with your friends because your mother didn't permit and you told them no; Your real friends would understand and while they would miss you, they would support your decision. Not like those so called friends who start getting rude, mean and then make you feel guilty and tell you that you are not a good friend because you can’t even do this for them. Stop listening to them. Once you start ignoring their jibes, trust me it gets easier. 

Do what feels right to you. If you don’t want to do someone else’s homework for them just because they asked you sweetly or reminded you that it’s a friendship thing( friends do it for friends crap :P ) don’t. And, don’t feel guilty about it. At all. Specially for people who never are there when you need them for a change. Be it anything!  :P

Saying no is tough.But once you say it, It’s liberating! Try saying it the next time someone expects you to draw all diagrams in their journal just because they are too lazy to do their work themselves and expect it from you.

You don't do people any favors by coming to their rescue constantly."Turning someone down forces them to rely on themselves, which can be a good thing for them in reality. So don’t feel guilty. You don't need to please everyone. Please yourself for a change! It will work wonders. 

 If you ignore their never ending list of tasks you will feel amazing! Trust me!

Be firm and say it once. Mean it. They will get it. Eventually. :P

 Remember it’s your birthright!

SHE WAS THE ONLY ONE WHO KNEW HOW SHE FELT...

As the evening winds blew and the skies were a beautiful canvas of orange and red hues, purple streaks and metallic golden adding vibrancy to the perfect painting of nature. The sun was almost about to set, when she stood up from the purple sofa she was seated on, walked outside the living room and headed out. She sat comfortably in her usual pose, on the porch and glanced down, in her direction. An unintentional smile tugged at the corners of her face as she met the face of her confidante, her Kylie.

 Without any other action, she started talking to her just like that, like always without any hesitation or fear of not being understood or being judged. Why would she be afraid?

After all, Kylie was the one who had there for her, when no one else had been. Understood her when none other soul could accomplish that feat. The very same Kylie, who had been her sole partner throughout everything she had been through all this time. From the moment, when she had first realized , that despite every effort to not let down her walls, she had still fallen for him.To when her heart broke when he walked away without a second glance. To when her heart was still broken, when she felt broken beyond repair.

 With her, here at their usual spot, was the only place where she totally let go. Where she gave way to all those feelings that would have otherwise, sucked the life out of her body and soul, both. Sharing with Kylie didn't lessen the feeling of betrayal of him leaving her. Neither, did it take away the void in her heart which made her heart feel only incomplete.

 But, she did provide her with  an odd sense of comfort, knowing someone knew. Someone listened to her. Someone was always there for her, no matter what.Through all those dark days of denial and anger. Someone who only listened to whatever and no matter what she said. Who didn’t criticize her even a single time or tell her I told you, so like all the others she had known in her life. Someone who didn’t leave her  when others would have, when she wasn’t herself. On days when she herself was unable to recognize the shell of the girl she used to be, once.

 On those days only Kylie had been her beacon of support. The faint glimmer of finding her way back home, where she belonged. She had always let her be who she was; never asked her to be  anyone else or more than that. Today, was just a day like the others before it.

“Kylie, I was going to paint today. I even gathered all of my stuff in the studio. Set everything as I wished. But you know what?” she uttered. Kylie didn’t say anything, as if slightly comforting her and telling her to continue.

“Sitting on the wooden laminated floor in my studio, by the window staring out at the waves crashing on the coast, with my painting gear scattered all around me all I could think of was. Him. Only him.

.My mind is attuned to him so strongly that I can’t help it. But you already know that. Don’t you?

  As each day passes what hurts isn't missing him, but the fact that he doesn't miss me at all. If my absence had no effect on his life, then neither did my presence make a difference to him. They say it right, the thing about distance is whether they will forget you or miss you.  And by now I know he has forgotten me. Us. Everything. I am just some odd dream he once had and it ended as abruptly, as it began. While I made him my sole reality. My life.  It’s tough moving on. Telling myself I shouldn't care about him when he didn’t.  But I can’t seem to accept that. I care. He still matters to me. I would be lying to myself if I say he doesn’t”.

He always did. Always will.  Even when I am okay, unlike now.  Some day, I hope. He will still be like you are to me now. Close to my heart, in my heart.  It hurts loving someone who’s in a rush to throw you away. Who never bothered in the first place. To whom you were just someone convenient. He broke all promises he made to me. Every single one of them. You know I hate silence and yet He chose it. Knowing it was going to suffocate me every single moment. It’s killing me.

I read once, There are 2 ways to die. One swiftly, without feeling any pain, at all. The other, feeling everything, every single one of them until the shards of glass in your heart bleed you out.  Every pain intensified until you finally become numb. To pain. To when even when you would want to feel something and wouldn’t be able to feel something”.

She choked and then, glanced down at Kylie and lifted one hand to wipe the tears streaking down her cheeks. Her liner was all smudged now but it didn’t matter. It was only the two of them, after all. She knew Kylie would understand. She always did. Didn’t she? After all while she said this all, Kylie didn’t call her a sentimental fool or anything else or to get it over with already. Kylie understood healing took time and she was there along her every step of the way.

She resumed once again “ But if I m numb and broken why do I still care? So much?

 Why does it feel like the end of the world? My world?

That’s how I feel, Kylie.
I just wish he felt the same way, about me.”

(Tia! Tia! Where are you? Please come here! Someone called from inside of the house) Tia turned back and replied “  I am coming….”( That was probably her elder sister looking for her)

“It’s getting late Kylie. The sun has already set. It’s getting dark, I need to rush inside. Mia is looking for me and I better go in before she wreaks havoc in our house.

 I know you will still be here, for me tomorrow, like always.

 You are such a darling. 

You are my support through every thick and thin.

Where would I be without you?

 What would I do?

 I can’t even imagine!

. See you soon dear!

 Love you...

 Tia <3  ”.

With that said, she lifted her golden fountain pen and glanced through the array of smooth yellow pages bound in the deep red velvet exterior she had filled. To ensure if the black ink had dried on those pages and then reassured that it had dried, closed her thick diary softly with a flourish. And placed it on the shelf, with the rest of it's family.

Her diary, her Kylie.

A START( hopefully to a never ending journey) :D

I have a question for you( yes I ask a lot of questions :p I know its irritating at times. But I can't help it. Its just who I am :p serious )

Do you understand life?

Well. I don't or at least I haven't found a definition yet, which, to me defines it completely.(ponders for a moment) I am still trying to make sense of it, to understand it. But I think whenever I seem to think I am finally getting it, my life springs something so unexpected at me that I need to start all over again.(*sigh*)

But I read something somewhere and I totally agree with it :) . Which was something along the lines of what would be the point of life(true that :p) and our questions if we are given all answers at the exact moment when we ask those questions. We need to live our own questions. On our own. That is our answer. The one we miss.

Everything will fall into place when it is supposed to. It will all make sense, one day. Because there's always, always HOPE.

Anyways I am going off topic. So as I already told you I love writing, besides other little gazillion things :p Yes. I am diverse that way. I am a firm believer of variety is the spice of life! ;)

If there was one word I would use to describe myself I would sit there thinking maybe forever and still not come up with a word. Not because there aren't words. But, because there are too many of them. But maybe I would use the term "simplated" ( there isn't such a word in the dictionary as yet tbh :p ITs my own word! :D yes. Its a combination of simple+ complicated= Simplated :P There isn't it simple! :) ) 

Yes I know I am awesome. I totally love myself. Now. Trust me. it wasn't always like that :/
But now. I am in love with myself. Totally. Irrevocably. Most importantly; Unconditionally!

So this is where I plan to write. Why I write( even I don't know :p ). This is one other way I can talk to myself. Yes I am strange like that. :)This is like my first ever blog in my life( I am not that ancient like I made it sound but then neither is 19 that young either :p Or more like to be twenty now. Soon :D ). but as they say. Better late than never.

I know half of the stuff I am saying is not even making sense. Right?
Well that's a part of me. I don't make sense at a lot of times ( Make that almost ALL the time :p At least that's how people who know me feel. That includes. My parents. My family. My friends. Everyone I know, actually :p . And well those who don't know me.( *shrug*) I am a weirdo to them too :p But I don't mind. At all :D Trust me. ;) )
As I said earlier. I am in love with who I am and I always hope to be. Always and Forever. <3

P.S I love ME. I hope you love yourself too. :)
P.P.S I hope from the core of my heart you haven't totally given up on me since I am not making sense. Again :p I am not that weird either :p I might have exaggerated. But oh well. I am a drama queen. :D