Thursday, 6 October 2016

MORNING CLASS BLUES


Dear 8 am morning class,
I sometimes wonder what did I do in my past life, to deserve coming across you, year after year, without fail. Every year I tell myself and hope this time it would be different.
But Alas! My prayers regarding you always go unanswered. Do you even realize how much you rule and dictate my life? You are the sole reason I have dark circles around my eyes and I look like a zombie when I meet you every day.
You are the reason I can't sit and watch "Friends" and "One tree hill" all night. You are the reason I don't go out to late night gatherings because inevitably if I avoid meeting you, you make me suffer. You are the only reason I didn't do well at times because I am not a morning person and I don't remember what the teachers taught. If not that, you also make sure my life turns into a nightmare by ruining my overall attendance if I get late.
Setting up an alarm makes me so sad. It just ruins my entire day. Have you ever heard of that if the start goes well the day is automatically good? Well to your pleasure and mine displeasure, you ruin every day of mine, except Sunday without even trying hard.
But you are indifferent to how badly you make me pay as long as you win. Morning class come on. Be a sport.

Please understand that I really need my beauty sleep. I really need to watch the latest season of Suits. I really need to know what Sid posted on Facebook and how many likes my latest Instagram picture received. I really need to check out all the new Brangelina memes and see how you do nail art at home. I have millions of other very important things to do apart from meeting you all time. Why don't you get it?
Cut me some slack would you? For once understand that I really don't want to flunk my finals and be turned out of my own house for failing exams due to you only. Wouldn't you feel guilty?
It's because of you I start my day, each day without breakfast and stay hungry till mid afternoon. Have you forgotten how important is a good breakfast for a person's well being? But no. Apparently you never focus on my sufferings.
Because of you my phone is never charged and I can never play the latest candy crush level whenever there is that boring forensics lecture. I stay disoriented all day and forget that I was supposed to wish my best friend her birthday because my sleep ain't done. Why can't you be a bit nicer and become a late morning class?
Technically it's still a morning till the clock strikes 12. So what's the hurry? Its not like what you aim to deliver at 8 cannot be delivered after minimum 10 at least.
Think about it. Because this way forget Facebook likes, you will get plenty of hate mails and you will be forever cursed. Concerned about your well being and obviously mine.
Yours Sincerely, The one whose life you have been ruining for the past 16 years without giving it a miss. I need a break.


STEPPING THROUGH







Stepping through.


Pausing. 

Wondering. 


A moment to orient myself with the present. 

It hits. Where am I currently?

What lies ahead?


What comes next?


Is this what I was looking for, unaware of what I was looking for?


How long a distance,  there is still ahead to tread along? 


All the thoughts flood in. Yet, the answers still evade.

Sunday, 14 February 2016

AND I MISS MY FRIENDS...



I was randomly scrolling through my news feed when a picture caught my eye. It was a picture that evoked so many emotions entangled with nostalgia in a fraction of a second.  

Funny how you aren't thinking about it and it's miles away and then suddenly everything brings it crashing back. 
Yesterday only I was telling myself that I should learn to appreciate the good times I have had up till now. And let the rest go.

Our people whom we called our own in the world so they can venture near and far. And make someone else feel like we once did when they were our friends. And how I was lucky they were once an integral part of my life.
But how do you stop missing them or wishing they were still around. It was a picture of 3 of my friends from college who are in a different medical university and yet together. I don't envy them because I love them all. But there's a part of me that always knocks home that they are together there and I am not with them.

I logically know it's a part of life and it's how life moves on. And I will still meet them again. Just not like everyday, all the time like we used to be. And they still have that to look forward to. And a part if me wishes everyday that I was around them too.

Because no matter how many new people you come across and befriend you can't really replace your old friends. 
Whenever I look at people in my school around who still have their old friends together. I am struck with nostalgia and the realization how lucky they are.

And at that every moment,  I miss my friends. Because despite all the new ones I have it's just not the same. Won't ever be the same.

The little comfort that I found was I once was with them like that. I will always hold on to those. 

Wednesday, 18 November 2015

HOW ABOUT A CUP OF CHAI? ;)






This wasn't originally my idea.

I just made a new friend,  all the way from India :)
Himanshi.

Who's as in love with chai as I am and I feel connects to it. And upon reading her chai article, it just made me reflect on my relationship with chai.

Trust me, we have come a long way.

So grab a cup of tea and sit back, listen to my chai love life.
I am not one of those people who has grown on chai since forever. Absolutely not. Infact, the opposite. I never liked tea or chai as we call the magic concoction that drives the world around,  specially in our side of the world :)
I never understood why people were so fond of it. After all it was just milk infused with some plant leaves and spices. Just.
I was in grade 2 when in our English Language exam to check our writing skills we needed to write the recipe of making tea aka "chai".

I wrote the recipe confident that I would score full on it. Since I have been seeing tea made in my house for everyday for so many years. When were all those observation skills going to come in handy?
Anyways when the score came I got a 1 out if the total 5. I was heartbroken and I hated tea more than ever.
On coming home I accused mum of not knowing how to make the right chai.

Little did I know that there was a standard chai and then there were "chai" versions hailing from different areas and respective cultures.

I am a punjabi and the way chais were made in our houses was very different from the standard tea procedure that we get in the cookbook. So obviously it didn't match the recipe my teacher was looking for and I was doomed.

Chai never made an impact until I started med school. Or more like I don't know how I survived without it for so long. Soon after coming to school, chai grew up on me. Specially the "elaichi" ( cardamom) one from the bahar wali dukan in the uni. In the early days a friend was very fond of chai and I used to get dragged along despite me claiming that I didn't like chai at all. But I was always ignored. 

Then I was forced to taste it and drink it despite me saying no. 

But the magic started working. Chai because my saviour in the long uni hours, to the late night parhai ( study) sessions, to when I was feeling down and needed something to lift me up. Chai was always there for me.
Welcoming,  warm, soothing and utterly delightful!

To the time it became something I look forward to every morning. I need a cup as soon as I wake up whether it's in the morning or my evening nap once I return from school. Chai is an absolute constant.
And I love it. Do you?
If not. Try it sometime. You might end up falling in love with my chai ;)

And it will keep you going throughout just like it does to me.
And in my country the elders say, there's nothing that a good old cup of tea can't set right and make you feel better.
It works like magic.

Or lets say it is the magical elixir and it's recipe is being passed down mother to daughter through generations.
The guys might know nothing else but they even they learn to make yummy chai. Afterall, you don't know when the chai making skills come in handy.
For girls when families come to look for prospective bahus ( brides) for their sons, the girl who makes good chai is a win win! :)

No exaggeration,  I swear.
It wouldn't be wrong to say the world goes around on chai :)
Keep drinking chai and keep spreading it's warmth around. 

Meanwhile I will go and make kashmiri chai for myself. Since it's winters and a chai break is needed after narrating my chai story.

My chai's waiting. Is your's?

Tuesday, 10 November 2015

DIWALI ♥

To all my friends from across the border many many warm wishes of diwali to you :)

HAPPY DIWALI ♥

I hope it brings loads of happiness in lives of all of you and mark new beginnings and bring people closer who drifted apart.

Stay blessed :)

Light loads of diyas and keep on lighting lives.

WAITING TO WRITE SINCE ALMOST FOREVER




                                                    "Current state of Mind
                                                   Current Outlook to Life"

I have been meaning to write for so long and somehow or the other, it just never happened. I was so involved in my "real" life that the "reel" life went in the background and faded.

Then thought about writing now and then but never seemed to find the time. A friend recently reminded me what writing meant to me and how I haven't written in long and I should. Because I was probably never going to write if I kept on continuing like I was. And my friend was right.

 Strange how someone close cuts 
through the crap you have lined up and all those excuses I thought were valid enough.

Then I thought about writing everyday, for the past few days but as usual.
 I kept on procrastinating. 

Not because I wasn't motivated enough, but because I had too much in my mind to write about and I just couldn't decide what to write first and how.
I kept on over thinking about the matter and thinking of perfect words, to thoughtful sentences, to whole length articles. And, more.
Yet.
In reality I didn't even write a word. A single word. It just kept on happening in my mind.

Until right now it just hit, out of nowhere,  that the moment I keep on holding out for isn't coming. I gotta start somewhere with something.
The longer you leave something in the middle, the tougher it becomes to get back to it and complete it and capture it. 
While this isn't an assignment that I need to complete or I have a deadline to meet. But all the same, I need to balance it with my other stuff and write when life is still happening to me.
Because isn't that the whole point? 

So here I am, rambling away and probably not making much sense.
 Like, Always. What's new with that?

But I feel good already and I have missed this. The feeling I get when I write.
So while it's still all charged up I will try to write all I wanted to and more.
And work on myself for finding the balance between the life I want to have and dream about with the one I am currently in.

As someone recently reminded, that all the things get complicated when we look back at the past and keep on holding to it. Or when we keep on fretting about what comes next and missing the current moment and the life it holds.

So to trying to live up and live in the present and expecting the unexpected.
Let's see where this takes me and my quest to love my life. And how long I keep up with the pace I am trying to set.

As life it is, with all its imperfections and blobs of this and that with a touch of emotions;
 that I tend to complicate and get so tangled in that I lose sight of things that mean tons to me.

This is it, for now. Back to studying cranial nerves in Neuroanatomy for an upcoming exam which is conveniently on the very next day of my birthday. Which basically, means there goes my very special day down the drain trying to cram and fit in as much as I can in my tiny mind and stressing and fretting. The unfairness of the situation, I tell you.

But oh well. Thats what you call life :)

Wednesday, 27 May 2015

A PAGE FROM MY DIARY

              



                                        "Why does it take a minute to say Hello
                                             and yet, forever to say Goodbye?"



Dear diary,

I haven't written in long and its been almost a year since I stopped.  I don't want to go there because I wasn't at a good place back then. But I am writing today because today I am feeling how I felt back then. Maybe not that harshly but those feelings which drag you down are here today. And since I can't talk to anyone about it , I need to let it out. Maybe that might make it easier to free myself of.

Today wasn't a good day for me. More like it wasn't even an average day. Aren't there days when it all just seems wrong and weird?

 I had one of those today.

It started back at school today. Something happened that altered my mood.  It wasn't an earthquake kind of a thing ( I am grateful for that, truly) but enough to create ripples and make feelings emerged that I had managed to bury inside. I happened to sit in the midst of my old friends today.

Like it's actually a group of people and I used to be part of them and everything.  But today it felt a lifetime ago. It was purely a coincidence but it brought feelings and thoughts to surface,  again. Feelings I would rather not feel.
I won't go into the reasons of why I left ( maybe that's where our paths together ended). But when I left I felt inadequate. I felt not good enough and sad. I felt lonely.  Very lonely ( but I had started feeling lonely even then I was with them). But still I wasn't alone.

The initial days were tough and many noticed I left and wondered what could have made me leave. I felt like I was a misfit and I wasn't the only one who belonged and my confidence took a blow back then. I felt there was something wrong with me because I had tried my best to fit in again when these thoughts started occurring but I just couldn't. I felt I was the one somehow at fault.

Logically I have known for a long time that it was coming and it taught me a lot. They are not bad people but they aren't my people. My place isn't with them. But irrationally it's all a mess.

The horror of being alone in a place where you don't know anyone apart from greetings because you are new to the university ( I was). The pain of trying to fit in where only groups existed and you were alone if you didn't belong to one. All of that was mentally very exhausting.

I am not at the same place today. I have come a long way. I have made new friends and met people I am myself with. I have learnt it's not important to have loads of friends just some good ones who believe in you, uplift you, trust you and you can trust them. I have learnt its not always our fault and not everyone is meant to be forever and I deserve more.

I deserve people who I don't feel out of place with or I people with whom I don't need to wonder again and again that they are judging me and just enjoying my distress.

But today I feel all of that. All of the inadequacy I felt. And I am trying to get over with it but it's stuck. I will never forget,  but I hope I find that place where I am ready to face it without feeling all of this. And, just treat it like a learning curve experience. After all, nothing is meant forever.

Change is the only thing constant. It's just difficult to take in at times and we resist. I did too, because I was afraid of the unknown. Of leaving when I knew in the heart I no longer could stay.I had already overstayed trying to make things work out. Because somewhere inside, I was afraid to take the leap and be actually alone even I felt alone. Technical semantics you see. Strange at times.

Today was just a reminder that I am not yet there and I still have a long way to go. But I am grateful after writing this that I have come this far. I felt in those days it would always be like that and I will always be alone and unworthy.

But I know I am worth it. And I was wrong back then. And in this case I am glad, that I was wrong. 

I hope I find the feeling of peace, at ease someday. Soon.

There is always HOPE, no matter how small or bleak it yet seems.


Yours dearest,
Toobs.

P.s It felt good to write again even if it wasn't something nice. Maybe I am on my way to healing. After all, I managed to write again today. When I haven't in a long, long time.

I hope I can write in my diary again that's sitting untouched in my cupboard, someday.I miss it.But. When I have the strength to look back into its pages and read and not lose myself to the feelings of the past that they locked away.When I am ready to read and only to read because it's all a part of me at the end of the day. Happy and sad, both.

To that day <3