"Why does it take a minute to say Hello
and yet, forever to say Goodbye?"
I haven't written in long and its been almost a year since I stopped. I don't want to go there because I wasn't at a good place back then. But I am writing today because today I am feeling how I felt back then. Maybe not that harshly but those feelings which drag you down are here today. And since I can't talk to anyone about it , I need to let it out. Maybe that might make it easier to free myself of.
Today wasn't a good day for me. More like it wasn't even an average day. Aren't there days when it all just seems wrong and weird?
I had one of those today.
It started back at school today. Something happened that altered my mood. It wasn't an earthquake kind of a thing ( I am grateful for that, truly) but enough to create ripples and make feelings emerged that I had managed to bury inside. I happened to sit in the midst of my old friends today.
Like it's actually a group of people and I used to be part of them and everything. But today it felt a lifetime ago. It was purely a coincidence but it brought feelings and thoughts to surface, again. Feelings I would rather not feel.
I won't go into the reasons of why I left ( maybe that's where our paths together ended). But when I left I felt inadequate. I felt not good enough and sad. I felt lonely. Very lonely ( but I had started feeling lonely even then I was with them). But still I wasn't alone.
The initial days were tough and many noticed I left and wondered what could have made me leave. I felt like I was a misfit and I wasn't the only one who belonged and my confidence took a blow back then. I felt there was something wrong with me because I had tried my best to fit in again when these thoughts started occurring but I just couldn't. I felt I was the one somehow at fault.
Logically I have known for a long time that it was coming and it taught me a lot. They are not bad people but they aren't my people. My place isn't with them. But irrationally it's all a mess.
The horror of being alone in a place where you don't know anyone apart from greetings because you are new to the university ( I was). The pain of trying to fit in where only groups existed and you were alone if you didn't belong to one. All of that was mentally very exhausting.
I am not at the same place today. I have come a long way. I have made new friends and met people I am myself with. I have learnt it's not important to have loads of friends just some good ones who believe in you, uplift you, trust you and you can trust them. I have learnt its not always our fault and not everyone is meant to be forever and I deserve more.
I deserve people who I don't feel out of place with or I people with whom I don't need to wonder again and again that they are judging me and just enjoying my distress.
But today I feel all of that. All of the inadequacy I felt. And I am trying to get over with it but it's stuck. I will never forget, but I hope I find that place where I am ready to face it without feeling all of this. And, just treat it like a learning curve experience. After all, nothing is meant forever.
Change is the only thing constant. It's just difficult to take in at times and we resist. I did too, because I was afraid of the unknown. Of leaving when I knew in the heart I no longer could stay.I had already overstayed trying to make things work out. Because somewhere inside, I was afraid to take the leap and be actually alone even I felt alone. Technical semantics you see. Strange at times.
Today was just a reminder that I am not yet there and I still have a long way to go. But I am grateful after writing this that I have come this far. I felt in those days it would always be like that and I will always be alone and unworthy.
But I know I am worth it. And I was wrong back then. And in this case I am glad, that I was wrong.
I hope I find the feeling of peace, at ease someday. Soon.
There is always HOPE, no matter how small or bleak it yet seems.
P.s It felt good to write again even if it wasn't something nice. Maybe I am on my way to healing. After all, I managed to write again today. When I haven't in a long, long time.
I hope I can write in my diary again that's sitting untouched in my cupboard, someday.I miss it.But. When I have the strength to look back into its pages and read and not lose myself to the feelings of the past that they locked away.When I am ready to read and only to read because it's all a part of me at the end of the day. Happy and sad, both.
To that day <3