Wednesday, 10 December 2014


My question for you today is ( like always :P I know )

 What do you think is your greatest asset to you? Your looks? Your grades? Your wealth? Your connections? Your accessories? What is it? Something material?

Something which is immaterial which no one can ever take from you. Ever. 
Something that is so priceless that you can't even begin to imagine. Do you the answer yet? If not, read this to find out what a teacher had to say about it.

Sometimes strange things happen which are unexpected , but leave a lasting impact on your life forever. This is one of my those treasured moments where I discovered there is always more to us then we believe. This is something I will never forget. Whenever I fall down or lose way I am going to look this up and read it and realize that I have all that it takes. So do you. Each one of you.

From the time I recall; getting into med school was my one of my greatest dreams and I always thought that getting in was the toughest part. Once I get in, it would be all a bed of roses. Like not that studying would be easy but there would be nothing stopping me from my goal, right?

Turns out I was mistaken. Getting in easy now actually seemed the easiest part. The joke's on me. I never thought after getting in something which might seem very trivial to the majority, might become so big a hurdle for me to get across that I actually in the first time felt like questioning my dream in the first place and wondering if I could even do it? Whatever made me think I could? Ever?

So. Well. I faced the all the usual issues of fitting into a new place, not knowing anyone at all and having to make new friends and trying to fit in and being afraid  somewhere I never might.  Feeling lonely and not knowing what was actually going on. It was like I was from this different planet where there was a different mind frequency than the one I was attuned to. 

At times I felt I was just pretending to be a part of it all and in reality I would never be.  But this never deterred me from what I was there for because I was already expecting all of this. Everyone I know was going or had gone through this. I was coping with all of this when Anatomy happened.  This was my realization sometimes even the merest of hurdles are enough to trip you. 

Yes. I am not kidding.  To others it was merely a subject like the rest of the other 6 disciples you need to study in first year of med school. But to me it was like a death sentence. My very own personalized version of it. Studying anatomy or more accurately, I should say trying to study anatomy became the toughest challenge of my life. 

Something I just couldn't accomplish no matter how much I tried or time I invested in it. I was so disappointed with myself not to mention, extremely hard on myself since everyone around me was doing so well with it. Like nobody I saw struggled the way I was. To me, they were all super geniuses around who used to memorize everything within minutes no matter how long and hard a topic seemed. Be it anything. 

And then there was me.  Who would sit for hours and hours trying to absorb a simple topic and when I thought after ages, finally I got it. And when I woke up the next day it used to be with absolute zero recall memory of whatever I had supposedly learnt only the night before.  This started having a serious diminishing effect on my grades, GPA and more importantly, my self esteem and confidence. 

Since I saw and felt no one else going through the same. I was the only one barely holding on.

I felt so dumb. I felt stupid and even wondered if I had gotten in med school in the first place by mistake. I was almost convinced I was never going to make through my first year let alone the rest since you need to clear all seven disciples. And the rate which I was going at I was never going to pass Anatomy and flunk spectacularly. If that day hadn’t unfolded that way.

We had this grand anatomy exam which formed a major part of our grade for our GPA and I was very nervous. Even “very” being an understatement. 

As I sat waiting in turn for my viva I was literally shivering with fear, my hands going cold and numb due to the mounting tension and my mind turning blank. I even debated with myself of what could happen if I actually missed my exam because I didn't think I would be able to go through with it. That was an other first for me. I had always done well at school and I had never earlier even dreamed of such a day. A day where I actually thought about missing an exam. Ever.

While I was still convincing myself that it was just an exam and not the end of life, my name was called. With clumsy limbs, refusing to move I went into the examination room where a senior professor was waiting to conduct my viva.

I went inside and sat down without even glancing up and looking at my professor because I was that afraid.  He asked me to relax since he noticed I looked really nervous and said “you look like you are being taken to be hanged”. I realized what a pathetic sight I must have presented.

It began. He asked me the very first question and I answered that. So the second and the third. But. The next question shook me to my toes since it threw me off balance. I couldn't remember it’s answer and there, I panicked. I almost forgot everything I had learnt. I almost climbed off the stool I was sitting on and rushed outside to hide my face since I was so ashamed and embarrassed. 

As my professor realized I couldn't recall the answer he asked me to skip it. He asked a next question and I couldn't recall that either. On not answering my second question the teacher raised his eyebrows and looked at me. I was done for.

 I expected to be shouted upon and be scolded very strictly since my teacher would had every right to do so; as it was questionable that what had I been doing all those months in Anatomy lectures, if I couldn't even answer basic questions.

But I was surprised by what came next. Instead of being scolded my professor just closed the grading book and rested his hands on the table.

"Having trouble studying it?" He questioned.

I was taken aback by his reaction. Instead of scolding me as expected he was actually asking me?

 For a second I thought about lying and pretending I was just unprepared, because I didn't want my teacher to know what a miserable failure I was. But I ended up answering.

"Yes. I can't do it. I am just not able to.  I think I will never become a doctor now because I never will be able to study and clear this exam".

He smiled and said" I am sure it’s not like that".

I muttered" But it is exactly like that. I just can’t do it. Everyone else I know is so amazing at it and accomplish so much of it in so less time but there’s me. I am helpless. I am totally a failure".

He replied" given up so easily? You are only a failure when you give up and believe you are one".

I said “but I don't have a choice.  I just couldn’t. I did try. But I failed.

I was told “You always have a choice. You can do it. But only if you want to”.

“ How? Its seems impossible to me the way I see it” I responded.

To which he replied “Change the way you see it then. You know what’s the greatest asset you could possibly have?

I was baffled. I didn’t even understand where this was going. What was he talking about ? It wasn’t making sense to me. At all.

I answered honestly “I am not sure”.

He said" Your willpower. That’s the greatest asset you have. Anyone could possibly have. You can do anything if you will it so."
I was confused. Because I had tried.

“I did try. It didn't work”.
He said “Well. In that case try again. But this time.  Believe you will outdo it. You will then”.

I told him “but I m not intelligent enough like the rest. It takes so much time for me to do it unlike my classmates”.

He said “Well. You are intelligent. Don't compare yourself with anyone else. You are sitting here is proof enough.  Just because you can't do it in little time doesn't diminish your ability. Everyone’s different.  There must be things you can do and others can't and they think they aren't intelligent. If everyone starts comparing themselves, no one will ever succeed that way. Trust me. I have experience more than your age”.

I was still not convinced.

  “But how?” I asked.

He just said” you just need to find what works for you.  Maybe the conventional way of learning this subject doesn't work for you. But that doesn’t mean that no way would. There are so many other resources and techniques to study from. For example. Audio visuals, models, museums, presentations etc from the book. Trial and error. See what works for you. 

To what I said “But I did try. Nothing worked.”

He said “It will when you decide it will for you no matter what.

He said “Let me give you an example. This is the best explanation I can give you. Once there was a girl and her mother woke her up and asked her for a glass of water in the middle of the night. She got so irritated because her sleep was disturbed. She grumbled because she didn't want to get up. She felt lazy. And she felt no inclination to do it.

But the same girl, when she herself became a mother and her child asked her for water in the middle of the night.  She got up and got it without any second thought, even though her sleep was disturbed again that day.  And she continued getting up like that. No matter how many times. No matter how tired and sleepy she herself was. Wasn't she still the same person? But her motivation both times was different.  And. So was her will power. When your driving force is strong enough you can do anything you set your mind to. Believe you can. So the question for you is: Is this subject being difficult more important to you or your goal to be a doctor?

I was speechless. I never saw it that way. I realized then’ there was nothing actually holding me back except my own thoughts. I had caged myself in a mental block where on the first struggle, I had decided that “I wasn't good enough” like the others to do it. I had to do it myself.

I wanted to be a doctor. I wouldn't let Anatomy take away my life worth dream. So what if it was tough? I am tougher.

And so from that day on wards, I have never looked back. I freed myself from the unrealistic expectations and negative thoughts I had.

Yes. This doesn't mean that it’s a piece of cake for me. I still struggle.  It still takes me more time than others. I still have to work extra hard at it. Put more hours than usual. But the only difference is now I believe I can do it. And that’s why I am able to do it. Now.

Thus, hopefully after, I am now going to be continuing with my med school after all. So never give up. You already have what it takes to get there. You just need to realize it like my professor made me realize. And thus, it was my lesson of inspiration from there to here.

Monday, 1 December 2014


Only yesterday, I was going through my Facebook inbox. I came across a message from my friend which struck a cord with me. She’s abroad now, for undergraduate studies.We keep in touch, since we are good friends ;) but with different time zones, :P we have gotten used to inboxing each other and knowing whenever the other gets a bit of time she would reply to that J and that is how we interact since Skype sessions just keep on getting delayed and delayed. Well. About what she said.

She said she really needed to learn to say “No”. Now I know , you might be thinking that was what struck a cord? Seriously? Like what’s so difficult with that?

 Just a mere, simple word. You just have to say no, after all. A single syllable 2 lettered word. How hard could it be? But. This mere word or rather not being able to say this word complicates so much and makes life way more difficult than it actually needs to be. But I have been there and still find myself , there at times. So I totally understand. 

It sucks, big time  :P

 It has taken me a long time to understand what I told her. I believe, it’s totally alright to say no if it’s something that does not go with your core values, morals or ethics or anything that you don’t feel comfortable doing. You don’t always have to say yes even if others expect it from you. If you don’t want to do it, don’t. You are not obliged to anyone. No matter what even if you feel otherwise. I am not saying that you shouldn't be there for others or we shouldn't lend a helping hand when needed but that doesn't mean either that you need to do everything for others.

Not setting boundaries gives you little respect among friends and acquaintances, so they keep asking you for help because they know you're likely to accept. 

While being there for others we tend to leave ourselves behind because we start putting all of them before us. We ignore what we might actually need and starve ourselves. That has happened to me so many times that I have lost count. But what I never used to realize was that by not being able to say no to people I said No to myself. Over and over again.

A simple example.

If you can’t go to the cinema with your friends because your mother didn't permit and you told them no; Your real friends would understand and while they would miss you, they would support your decision. Not like those so called friends who start getting rude, mean and then make you feel guilty and tell you that you are not a good friend because you can’t even do this for them. Stop listening to them. Once you start ignoring their jibes, trust me it gets easier. 

Do what feels right to you. If you don’t want to do someone else’s homework for them just because they asked you sweetly or reminded you that it’s a friendship thing( friends do it for friends crap :P ) don’t. And, don’t feel guilty about it. At all. Specially for people who never are there when you need them for a change. Be it anything!  :P

Saying no is tough.But once you say it, It’s liberating! Try saying it the next time someone expects you to draw all diagrams in their journal just because they are too lazy to do their work themselves and expect it from you.

You don't do people any favors by coming to their rescue constantly."Turning someone down forces them to rely on themselves, which can be a good thing for them in reality. So don’t feel guilty. You don't need to please everyone. Please yourself for a change! It will work wonders. 

 If you ignore their never ending list of tasks you will feel amazing! Trust me!

Be firm and say it once. Mean it. They will get it. Eventually. :P

 Remember it’s your birthright!

Tuesday, 25 November 2014


As the evening winds blew and the skies were a beautiful canvas of orange and red hues, purple streaks and metallic golden adding vibrancy to the perfect painting of nature. The sun was almost about to set, when she stood up from the purple sofa she was seated on, walked outside the living room and headed out. She sat comfortably in her usual pose, on the porch and glanced down, in her direction. An unintentional smile tugged at the corners of her face as she met the face of her confidante, her Kylie.

 Without any other action, she started talking to her just like that, like always without any hesitation or fear of not being understood or being judged. Why would she be afraid?

After all, Kylie was the one who had there for her, when no one else had been. Understood her when none other soul could accomplish that feat. The very same Kylie, who had been her sole partner throughout everything she had been through all this time. From the moment, when she had first realized , that despite every effort to not let down her walls, she had still fallen for him.To when her heart broke when he walked away without a second glance. To when her heart was still broken, when she felt broken beyond repair.

 With her, here at their usual spot, was the only place where she totally let go. Where she gave way to all those feelings that would have otherwise, sucked the life out of her body and soul, both. Sharing with Kylie didn't lessen the feeling of betrayal of him leaving her. Neither, did it take away the void in her heart which made her heart feel only incomplete.

 But, she did provide her with  an odd sense of comfort, knowing someone knew. Someone listened to her. Someone was always there for her, no matter what.Through all those dark days of denial and anger. Someone who only listened to whatever and no matter what she said. Who didn’t criticize her even a single time or tell her I told you, so like all the others she had known in her life. Someone who didn’t leave her  when others would have, when she wasn’t herself. On days when she herself was unable to recognize the shell of the girl she used to be, once.

 On those days only Kylie had been her beacon of support. The faint glimmer of finding her way back home, where she belonged. She had always let her be who she was; never asked her to be  anyone else or more than that. Today, was just a day like the others before it.

“Kylie, I was going to paint today. I even gathered all of my stuff in the studio. Set everything as I wished. But you know what?” she uttered. Kylie didn’t say anything, as if slightly comforting her and telling her to continue.

Sitting on the wooden laminated floor in my studio, by the window staring out at the waves crashing on the coast, with my painting gear scattered all around me all I could think of was. Him. Only him.
.My mind is attuned to him so strongly that I can’t help it. But you already know that. Don’t you?

  As each day passes what hurts isn't missing him, but the fact that he doesn't miss me at all. If my absence had no effect on his life, then neither did my presence make a difference to him. They say it right, the thing about distance is whether they will forget you or miss you.  And by now I know he has forgotten me. Us. Everything. I am just some odd dream he once had and it ended as abruptly, as it began. While I made him my sole reality. My life.  It’s tough moving on. Telling myself I shouldn't care about him when he didn’t.  But I can’t seem to accept that. I care. He still matters to me. I would be lying to myself if I say he doesn’t”.

He always did. Always will.  Even when I am okay, unlike now.  Some day, I hope. He will still be like you are to me now. Close to my heart, in my heart.  It hurts loving someone who’s in a rush to throw you away. Who never bothered in the first place. To whom you were just someone convenient. He broke all promises he made to me. Every single one of them. You know I hate silence and yet He chose it. Knowing it was going to suffocate me every single moment. It’s killing me.

I read once, There are 2 ways to die. One swiftly, without feeling any pain, at all. The other, feeling everything, every single one of them until the shards of glass in your heart bleed you out.  Every pain intensified until you finally become numb. To pain. To when even when you would want to feel something and wouldn’t be able to feel something”.

She choked and then, glanced down at Kylie and lifted one hand to wipe the tears streaking down her cheeks. Her liner was all smudged now but it didn’t matter. It was only the two of them, after all. She knew Kylie would understand. She always did. Didn’t she? After all while she said this all, Kylie didn’t call her a sentimental fool or anything else or to get it over with already. Kylie understood healing took time and she was there along her every step of the way.

She resumed once again “ But if I m numb and broken why do I still care? So much?

 Why does it feel like the end of the world? My world?

That’s how I feel, Kylie.
I just wish he felt the same way, about me.”

(Tia! Tia! Where are you? Please come here! Someone called from inside of the house) Tia turned back and replied “  I am coming….”( That was probably her elder sister looking for her)

“It’s getting late Kylie. The sun has already set. It’s getting dark, I need to rush inside. Mia is looking for me and I better go in before she wreaks havoc in our house.

 I know you will still be here, for me tomorrow, like always.

 You are such a darling. 

You are my support through every thick and thin.

Where would I be without you?

 What would I do?

 I can’t even imagine!

. See you soon dear!

 Love you...

 Tia <3  ”.

With that said, she lifted her golden fountain pen and glanced through the array of smooth yellow pages bound in the deep red velvet exterior she had filled. To ensure if the black ink had dried on those pages and then reassured that it had dried, closed her thick diary softly with a flourish. And placed it on the shelf, with the rest of it's family.

Her diary, her Kylie.

Monday, 24 November 2014

A START( hopefully to a never ending journey) :D

I have a question for you( yes I ask a lot of questions :p I know its irritating at times. But I can't help it. Its just who I am :p serious )

Do you understand life?

Well. I don't or at least I haven't found a definition yet, which, to me defines it completely.(ponders for a moment) I am still trying to make sense of it, to understand it. But I think whenever I seem to think I am finally getting it, my life springs something so unexpected at me that I need to start all over again.(*sigh*)

But I read something somewhere and I totally agree with it :) . Which was something along the lines of what would be the point of life(true that :p) and our questions if we are given all answers at the exact moment when we ask those questions. We need to live our own questions. On our own. That is our answer. The one we miss.

Everything will fall into place when it is supposed to. It will all make sense, one day. Because there's always, always HOPE.

Anyways I am going off topic. So as I already told you I love writing, besides other little gazillion things :p Yes. I am diverse that way. I am a firm believer of variety is the spice of life! ;)

If there was one word I would use to describe myself I would sit there thinking maybe forever and still not come up with a word. Not because there aren't words. But, because there are too many of them. But maybe I would use the term "simplated" ( there isn't such a word in the dictionary as yet tbh :p ITs my own word! :D yes. Its a combination of simple+ complicated= Simplated :P There isn't it simple! :) ) 

Yes I know I am awesome. I totally love myself. Now. Trust me. it wasn't always like that :/
But now. I am in love with myself. Totally. Irrevocably. Most importantly; Unconditionally!

So this is where I plan to write. Why I write( even I don't know :p ). This is one other way I can talk to myself. Yes I am strange like that. :)This is like my first ever blog in my life( I am not that ancient like I made it sound but then neither is 19 that young either :p Or more like to be twenty now. Soon :D ). but as they say. Better late than never.

I know half of the stuff I am saying is not even making sense. Right?
Well that's a part of me. I don't make sense at a lot of times ( Make that almost ALL the time :p At least that's how people who know me feel. That includes. My parents. My family. My friends. Everyone I know, actually :p . And well those who don't know me.( *shrug*) I am a weirdo to them too :p But I don't mind. At all :D Trust me. ;) )
As I said earlier. I am in love with who I am and I always hope to be. Always and Forever. <3

P.S I love ME. I hope you love yourself too. :)
P.P.S I hope from the core of my heart you haven't totally given up on me since I am not making sense. Again :p I am not that weird either :p I might have exaggerated. But oh well. I am a drama queen. :D