As the evening winds blew and the skies were a beautiful canvas of orange and red hues, purple streaks and metallic golden adding vibrancy to the perfect painting of nature. The sun was almost about to set, when she stood up from the purple sofa she was seated on, walked outside the living room and headed out. She sat comfortably in her usual pose, on the porch and glanced down, in her direction. An unintentional smile tugged at the corners of her face as she met the face of her confidante, her Kylie.
Without any other action, she started talking to her just like that, like always without any hesitation or fear of not being understood or being judged. Why would she be afraid?
After all, Kylie was the one who had there for her, when no one else had been. Understood her when none other soul could accomplish that feat. The very same Kylie, who had been her sole partner throughout everything she had been through all this time. From the moment, when she had first realized , that despite every effort to not let down her walls, she had still fallen for him.To when her heart broke when he walked away without a second glance. To when her heart was still broken, when she felt broken beyond repair.
With her, here at their usual spot, was the only place where she totally let go. Where she gave way to all those feelings that would have otherwise, sucked the life out of her body and soul, both. Sharing with Kylie didn't lessen the feeling of betrayal of him leaving her. Neither, did it take away the void in her heart which made her heart feel only incomplete.
But, she did provide her with an odd sense of comfort, knowing someone knew. Someone listened to her. Someone was always there for her, no matter what.Through all those dark days of denial and anger. Someone who only listened to whatever and no matter what she said. Who didn’t criticize her even a single time or tell her I told you, so like all the others she had known in her life. Someone who didn’t leave her when others would have, when she wasn’t herself. On days when she herself was unable to recognize the shell of the girl she used to be, once.
On those days only Kylie had been her beacon of support. The faint glimmer of finding her way back home, where she belonged. She had always let her be who she was; never asked her to be anyone else or more than that. Today, was just a day like the others before it.
“Kylie, I was going to paint today. I even gathered all of my stuff in the studio. Set everything as I wished. But you know what?” she uttered. Kylie didn’t say anything, as if slightly comforting her and telling her to continue.
“Sitting on the wooden laminated floor in my studio, by the window staring out at the waves crashing on the coast, with my painting gear scattered all around me all I could think of was. Him. Only him.
.My mind is attuned to him so strongly that I can’t help it. But you already know that. Don’t you?
As each day passes what hurts isn't missing him, but the fact that he doesn't miss me at all. If my absence had no effect on his life, then neither did my presence make a difference to him. They say it right, the thing about distance is whether they will forget you or miss you. And by now I know he has forgotten me. Us. Everything. I am just some odd dream he once had and it ended as abruptly, as it began. While I made him my sole reality. My life. It’s tough moving on. Telling myself I shouldn't care about him when he didn’t. But I can’t seem to accept that. I care. He still matters to me. I would be lying to myself if I say he doesn’t”.
He always did. Always will. Even when I am okay, unlike now. Some day, I hope. He will still be like you are to me now. Close to my heart, in my heart. It hurts loving someone who’s in a rush to throw you away. Who never bothered in the first place. To whom you were just someone convenient. He broke all promises he made to me. Every single one of them. You know I hate silence and yet He chose it. Knowing it was going to suffocate me every single moment. It’s killing me.
I read once, There are 2 ways to die. One swiftly, without feeling any pain, at all. The other, feeling everything, every single one of them until the shards of glass in your heart bleed you out. Every pain intensified until you finally become numb. To pain. To when even when you would want to feel something and wouldn’t be able to feel something”.
She choked and then, glanced down at Kylie and lifted one hand to wipe the tears streaking down her cheeks. Her liner was all smudged now but it didn’t matter. It was only the two of them, after all. She knew Kylie would understand. She always did. Didn’t she? After all while she said this all, Kylie didn’t call her a sentimental fool or anything else or to get it over with already. Kylie understood healing took time and she was there along her every step of the way.
She resumed once again “ But if I m numb and broken why do I still care? So much?
Why does it feel like the end of the world? My world?
That’s how I feel, Kylie.
I just wish he felt the same way, about me.”
(Tia! Tia! Where are you? Please come here! Someone called from inside of the house) Tia turned back and replied “ I am coming….”( That was probably her elder sister looking for her)
“It’s getting late Kylie. The sun has already set. It’s getting dark, I need to rush inside. Mia is looking for me and I better go in before she wreaks havoc in our house.
I know you will still be here, for me tomorrow, like always.
You are such a darling.
You are my support through every thick and thin.
Where would I be without you?
What would I do?
I can’t even imagine!
. See you soon dear!
Tia <3 ”.
With that said, she lifted her golden fountain pen and glanced through the array of smooth yellow pages bound in the deep red velvet exterior she had filled. To ensure if the black ink had dried on those pages and then reassured that it had dried, closed her thick diary softly with a flourish. And placed it on the shelf, with the rest of it's family.
Her diary, her Kylie.