Wednesday 27 May 2015

A PAGE FROM MY DIARY

              



                                        "Why does it take a minute to say Hello
                                             and yet, forever to say Goodbye?"



Dear diary,

I haven't written in long and its been almost a year since I stopped.  I don't want to go there because I wasn't at a good place back then. But I am writing today because today I am feeling how I felt back then. Maybe not that harshly but those feelings which drag you down are here today. And since I can't talk to anyone about it , I need to let it out. Maybe that might make it easier to free myself of.

Today wasn't a good day for me. More like it wasn't even an average day. Aren't there days when it all just seems wrong and weird?

 I had one of those today.

It started back at school today. Something happened that altered my mood.  It wasn't an earthquake kind of a thing ( I am grateful for that, truly) but enough to create ripples and make feelings emerged that I had managed to bury inside. I happened to sit in the midst of my old friends today.

Like it's actually a group of people and I used to be part of them and everything.  But today it felt a lifetime ago. It was purely a coincidence but it brought feelings and thoughts to surface,  again. Feelings I would rather not feel.
I won't go into the reasons of why I left ( maybe that's where our paths together ended). But when I left I felt inadequate. I felt not good enough and sad. I felt lonely.  Very lonely ( but I had started feeling lonely even then I was with them). But still I wasn't alone.

The initial days were tough and many noticed I left and wondered what could have made me leave. I felt like I was a misfit and I wasn't the only one who belonged and my confidence took a blow back then. I felt there was something wrong with me because I had tried my best to fit in again when these thoughts started occurring but I just couldn't. I felt I was the one somehow at fault.

Logically I have known for a long time that it was coming and it taught me a lot. They are not bad people but they aren't my people. My place isn't with them. But irrationally it's all a mess.

The horror of being alone in a place where you don't know anyone apart from greetings because you are new to the university ( I was). The pain of trying to fit in where only groups existed and you were alone if you didn't belong to one. All of that was mentally very exhausting.

I am not at the same place today. I have come a long way. I have made new friends and met people I am myself with. I have learnt it's not important to have loads of friends just some good ones who believe in you, uplift you, trust you and you can trust them. I have learnt its not always our fault and not everyone is meant to be forever and I deserve more.

I deserve people who I don't feel out of place with or I people with whom I don't need to wonder again and again that they are judging me and just enjoying my distress.

But today I feel all of that. All of the inadequacy I felt. And I am trying to get over with it but it's stuck. I will never forget,  but I hope I find that place where I am ready to face it without feeling all of this. And, just treat it like a learning curve experience. After all, nothing is meant forever.

Change is the only thing constant. It's just difficult to take in at times and we resist. I did too, because I was afraid of the unknown. Of leaving when I knew in the heart I no longer could stay.I had already overstayed trying to make things work out. Because somewhere inside, I was afraid to take the leap and be actually alone even I felt alone. Technical semantics you see. Strange at times.

Today was just a reminder that I am not yet there and I still have a long way to go. But I am grateful after writing this that I have come this far. I felt in those days it would always be like that and I will always be alone and unworthy.

But I know I am worth it. And I was wrong back then. And in this case I am glad, that I was wrong. 

I hope I find the feeling of peace, at ease someday. Soon.

There is always HOPE, no matter how small or bleak it yet seems.


Yours dearest,
Toobs.

P.s It felt good to write again even if it wasn't something nice. Maybe I am on my way to healing. After all, I managed to write again today. When I haven't in a long, long time.

I hope I can write in my diary again that's sitting untouched in my cupboard, someday.I miss it.But. When I have the strength to look back into its pages and read and not lose myself to the feelings of the past that they locked away.When I am ready to read and only to read because it's all a part of me at the end of the day. Happy and sad, both.

To that day <3

23 comments:

  1. Oh Toobs... I remember feeling this way in High School... it felt so good to get passed it. I have a private journal too that I can't read yet... not sure if I ever will be able to read it and not have it bring tears to my eyes... just the thought of it does enough. I do have hope that one day I'll be there..
    Such honest writing... I love reading your thoughts xox ♡

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    Replies
    1. I am glad you shared your experience. It's nice to know it's not going to be forever. I really hope that you are able to read it because I know it has some of the bast parts of your life mingled with the painful ones. You will.....
      I love your comments ;)
      They make my day

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  2. Hi dear Toobs..how are you my friend keep in touch from INDONESIA.

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    Replies
    1. I am good Icah. Thank you for asking.

      You too. Take care :)

      Delete
  3. Toobs, you are a little, little girl, with a great talent to write what you feel. You are way more deserving than you think you are. We all go through these things at you age, it is absolutely normal, we survived, you will too. Stay positive. :)

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    Replies
    1. Thank you :)
      That means a lot from you and more, I am glad you believe that because that would be the best. I will try my best to be more positive.

      Stay in touch!
      P.s I love your writing. You have got one more regular in me for your blog. It's wonderful <3

      Delete
  4. You are worth it, yes you are. Sometimes...some more than others..have to do more work and by that... to become much stronger. That I have learn from my 10 years in hell and back. As I look that period now, after 10 years... I´m kinda thankful..I´m so much stronger. So, there will be the day that you are so strong :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for coming over even when you are not well :)
      I truly appreciate it and yes I know you speak from experience. I have hope :)
      One day.

      Stay in touch dear. Get well soon

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  5. There are moments like these ... but trust me, these pass away soon :-)

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    Replies
    1. Thank you :)
      Yes you are right they do. And thank god they do.

      Stay in touch :)

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  6. Writing is like Meditating..sooner or later it takes away pain from us.,..more Power to you

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. True. It helps let it all out and there's no judgement for us :)
      Which is the best part for me. Because you can't make others always understand.

      Thank you for coming by. Stay in touch by following back :)

      Delete
  7. There have been so many times when I felt the same! These are just passing phases, tackle them as they come. And yes, writing actually makes things so much better :)
    Hope to connect with you on my blog!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am glad that I am not alone :)
      Yes. The best piece of advice I was given was" Take one thing and one day at a time". There's always positive vibes waiting to free us.

      I will :)
      Follow back to stay in touch

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  8. <3 Hi there, again. Thank you for your kind words in my blog! You are such a warm heart... Following, with pleasure :) xox have a awesome day!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You are very welcome!
      Thank you. You too. My heartiest wishes with you for a beautiful , happy week ahead :)

      Delete
  9. There is always HOPE, no matter how small or bleak it yet seems...
    keep writing:)

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  10. Amazing post my dear <3 !
    http://kasjaa.blogspot.com

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  11. Believe in yourself....pain is a part of life. Its upon your to not let the past haunt. Write in that diary girl!

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  12. It does look like you are on the way to healing and you have such a long way to go and so many things to experience. Don't ever let yourself forget that :-).

    Hope you write more soon.

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  13. Beautiful art Toobs...
    Hope is a very strong thing... hold on to it cause it will help you through alot...
    Time heals everything... Give it a chance... Peace is a matter of choice, hoping you come across it soon...
    Stay Blessed :-)

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